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New Year’s Resolutions You Don’t Hear Very Often

New Year’s Resolutions You Don’t Hear Very Often

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As one year ends and another begins, we take the time to look within and realize what we can improve in the months to come. The process of making New Year’s resolutions demonstrates a collective desire for self-improvement. Keeping them is often a test of determination and willpower. Many people fall into common categories for New Year’s resolutions — exercise more, eat less, be nicer. Here are some New Year’s resolutions you don’t hear very often.

SquareSpace.com
SquareSpace.com

I will spend more time on my phone

Look at the tiny glowing screen in your hand or up at the world around you? Screen, please! I got no time for the ugly world we live in; just let me scroll in peace through hours of Instagram photos and Facebook status updates I don’t care about.

BreakingMuscle.com
BreakingMuscle.com

I will stop letting the gym steal my money

I don’t go anyway, so might as well just cancel the membership altogether. Paying gym fees is like being robbed by tiny, fit pickpockets every month. Those thieves won’t be taking my $20 a month in 2015, no sirree!

BusinessInsider.com
BusinessInsider.com

Catch up on all my favorite TV shows

TV is educational – how else will I know what the Kardashians are up to, or how to cook with an entire tower made of butter? Not only will I catch up on the few series that I’ve been loyal to for years, but I think 2015 is the time to start watching dozens of new shows that will eat up hours of my day. I don’t really enjoy them that much, but I need something to veg out to on the couch.

The-Auditorium.com
The-Auditorium.com

I will eat more bacon

Because YOLO. Nobody on their deathbed was like, “Gee, I wish I ate more salad.” I might as well eat the delicious, fatty things now. It’s time to start living!

EnvisionedEntrepreneur.com
EnvisionedEntrepreneur.com

I will try to be less racially conscious

The world is on fire with racial and ethnic tensions, but I’m going to ignore all of that. Let me just finish my brunch, OK?

HinduHumanRights.info
HinduHumanRights.info

I will drink more

My liver is feeling too healthy these days, so I’m going to be sure to pollute it on a daily basis. We’re talking margaritas, beer towers, boxes of wine, jägerbombs, whisky shots, and all of the deliciously dangerous things in between. 2015 is going to be the year of the party, baby!

BestSite4Gambling.net
BestSite4Gambling.net

I will spend more money at the casino

Alternatively, I will buy more lottery tickets. Either way, I’m going to spend my hard-earned money in the hopes of striking it big, but will end up blowing my paychecks every month and eventually having my kneecaps broken by a hulking thug named Mo.

SheKnows.com
SheKnows.com

I will neglect my friends and family more

I just really need some “me” time, you know? All of those family members and friends are just draining on my time and energy, and I think it’s time to focus on what’s important. And what’s important is me.

BP.Blogspot.com
BP.Blogspot.com

I will wear pants less

Why wear pants when I’m also vowing to spend more quality time with my couch and TV? Pants are like jail for legs. It’s time to let the winds of freedom blow! Fly free!

Tommy.IsMy.Name
Tommy.IsMy.Name

I will do my laundry less

Laundry is the devil’s game for people who feel a bizarre compulsion to smell nice. Not only will I stop doing laundry on a daily basis, but I will also reduce my water consumption by minimizing the number of showers I take each week. We’ll go for one per week and see how that goes. Worst comes to worst, I will buy new underwear when necessary and utilize the great stick of life known as deodorant.

FreeStache.com
FreeStache.com

I will start smoking cigarettes

People just look so cool when they smoke. I want to be cool! 2015 is the year that I’m going to become cool. Cigarettes, let’s you and me dance!

WomensHealthMag.com
WomensHealthMag.com

I will be less productive at work

I often feel that I am being underpaid for the work that I am producing. Rather than a raise, since we all know that isn’t going to happen, I pledge to reduce my productivity levels to allow the value of my work to match my actual salary. I also pledge to find a way around the company blocking Youtube and Facebook to aid me in my endeavors.

TheGrindStone.com
TheGrindStone.com

I will think of more creative excuses for skipping work altogether

“I’m sick” doesn’t really cut it anymore, especially since I’ve pretty much exhausted the plausible options on WebMD. 2015 is the year to let my imagination run wild – we’re talking bear attacks, bungee jumping accidents, and Spiderman-style crime fighting.

EricPetersAutos.com
EricPetersAutos.com

I will speed more

Speed limits are more of a suggestion than a hard-and-fast rule, and I’m tired of letting the man tell me how to drive. Let me do me on the road, and maybe I’ll invest in one of those radars that tell you when a cop is close. 2015 is not going to be the year, however, when I actually start paying my speeding fines.

PeakPhysiqueEva.com
PeakPhysiqueEva.com

I will actually keep my New Year’s resolutions

Well, if my resolutions are this awesome, it’s actually not going to be all that hard for a change.