Look at the tiny glowing screen in your hand or up at the world around you? Screen, please! I got no time for the ugly world we live in; just let me scroll in peace through hours of Instagram photos and Facebook status updates I don’t care about.
I don’t go anyway, so might as well just cancel the membership altogether. Paying gym fees is like being robbed by tiny, fit pickpockets every month. Those thieves won’t be taking my $20 a month in 2015, no sirree!
TV is educational – how else will I know what the Kardashians are up to, or how to cook with an entire tower made of butter? Not only will I catch up on the few series that I’ve been loyal to for years, but I think 2015 is the time to start watching dozens of new shows that will eat up hours of my day. I don’t really enjoy them that much, but I need something to veg out to on the couch.
Because YOLO. Nobody on their deathbed was like, “Gee, I wish I ate more salad.” I might as well eat the delicious, fatty things now. It’s time to start living!
The world is on fire with racial and ethnic tensions, but I’m going to ignore all of that. Let me just finish my brunch, OK?
My liver is feeling too healthy these days, so I’m going to be sure to pollute it on a daily basis. We’re talking margaritas, beer towers, boxes of wine, jägerbombs, whisky shots, and all of the deliciously dangerous things in between. 2015 is going to be the year of the party, baby!
Alternatively, I will buy more lottery tickets. Either way, I’m going to spend my hard-earned money in the hopes of striking it big, but will end up blowing my paychecks every month and eventually having my kneecaps broken by a hulking thug named Mo.
I just really need some “me” time, you know? All of those family members and friends are just draining on my time and energy, and I think it’s time to focus on what’s important. And what’s important is me.
Why wear pants when I’m also vowing to spend more quality time with my couch and TV? Pants are like jail for legs. It’s time to let the winds of freedom blow! Fly free!
Laundry is the devil’s game for people who feel a bizarre compulsion to smell nice. Not only will I stop doing laundry on a daily basis, but I will also reduce my water consumption by minimizing the number of showers I take each week. We’ll go for one per week and see how that goes. Worst comes to worst, I will buy new underwear when necessary and utilize the great stick of life known as deodorant.
People just look so cool when they smoke. I want to be cool! 2015 is the year that I’m going to become cool. Cigarettes, let’s you and me dance!
I often feel that I am being underpaid for the work that I am producing. Rather than a raise, since we all know that isn’t going to happen, I pledge to reduce my productivity levels to allow the value of my work to match my actual salary. I also pledge to find a way around the company blocking Youtube and Facebook to aid me in my endeavors.
“I’m sick” doesn’t really cut it anymore, especially since I’ve pretty much exhausted the plausible options on WebMD. 2015 is the year to let my imagination run wild – we’re talking bear attacks, bungee jumping accidents, and Spiderman-style crime fighting.
Speed limits are more of a suggestion than a hard-and-fast rule, and I’m tired of letting the man tell me how to drive. Let me do me on the road, and maybe I’ll invest in one of those radars that tell you when a cop is close. 2015 is not going to be the year, however, when I actually start paying my speeding fines.
Well, if my resolutions are this awesome, it’s actually not going to be all that hard for a change.
