Daylight savings time. It’s hell, really. You’re tired before you shut down your office computer because the moon has been up for six hours. You’re falling asleep while cooking dinner, your clothes catching fire over the stove top. You’re fast asleep while your child reads her bedtime story to herself. But not to worry: you’re turning into a vampire, and you should welcome the changes your body is going through. Stop being ungrateful for what you have — Kristen Stewart, everlasting youth, a castle and the ability to fly — and start embracing them. Here are 10 ways to embrace being a daylight-savings-time vampire.
Uummannaq is in Northwestern Greenland. Your body will adjust to four hours of sunlight a day. Imagine lunch hour at Panera Bread while the sun is cracking over the horizon.
Things vampires don’t eat: garlic, dead people’s non-blood, kale (although it was popular in old Transylvania), triple caramel macchiato, 5-hour ENERGY shots, Kambucha (they think it tastes like Mr. Clean), ginko biloba tablets in their Jamba Juice, breakfast and lunch. So best to avoid these and stick to just red wine, or whatever that drink of choice is for them.
Folding into a tired state at night always signifies a day well spent. So reset your life clock for daylight savings time. When the sun is setting at 2:30 p.m., get into bed with a chamomile tea and a good Danielle Steel book. This way, you’ll be up and at ’em by 10:30 p.m., a great restful sleep under your belt! What’s that? Work, you say? You’re a vampire, your savings account is unshakeable because of centuries of looting archaeological sites around the world. Remember when you sold the Ark of the Convenant to King Solomon? Don’t worry about dough.
…then own it!! If you’re going to go the blood-sucking route, you must decide: Am I a “Twilight” vampire? Am I like Dracula, wealthy and kind of perverted? Am I as hideous as Nosferatu or as beautiful as Robert Pattinson (or vice versa)? Do I roam the streets looking for hapless victims, or I do I listen to alternative music and mope about Bella?
Make deals with God as to letting you stay awake for just one more hour. It’s 4:30 and you know it’s not healthy to go to sleep now. But the moon is at its peak because….it’s daylight savings time! Sacrificing things (not humans, so gauche these days) like your expensive swimsuit or your floppy straw sun hat in a ceremonial fire will signify to the sleep gods that you’ve accepted summer’s end, the end of sunshine and warmth. They will eat your sorrow and perhaps grant you one more hour of miserable lucidity.
This is so obvious a cure for your dead day blues that the normal barrage of (actual) health expert’s advice is expected: do some morning yoga, do some evening yoga, go for a run, get a gym membership, swim some laps, blah blah blah. Look, the situation is dire, so let’s adapt to it. Here goes: 1) Stand up very slowly from the couch. 2) With your feet guiding your legs and upper body, try to walk in a straight line to the bedroom. 10 paces should do it, but don’t overextend. 3) Optional, according to your skill level: remove day clothes and replace with night clothes. Again, optional. 4) Bend slightly at the knees, then transfer your weight into a sitting position on the soft block (bed). 5) Roll onto your back and stay that way, breathing steadily, for the next 12 hours.
Options for advanced workout: Pulling back the covers, adjusting the pillows, turning out the light. But go easy at the beginning.
If you actually think you’ve turned into a vampire, then you should let your friends know in a fun, party-ish kind of way. It’s easy, really, because you don’t have to prepare any food at all. Simply dress in your finest suit or black evening dress, light some candles, play some classical music (vampires loves Schubert), and when your guests arrive…dinner is served! There’ll be an awkward little lull at first where you’re the only one eating in front of them, but their appetites will come around and they’ll start feeding as well. Catch my drift? Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart!
No sunlight? Two words: Blood. Oranges. Oh wait, that’s Vitamin C, not D. Still: Blood. Oranges.
Anything by: Virginia Woolf, Emily Dickinson, James Baldwin, the Marquis de Sade, Thomas Hardy, and of course Sylvia Plath will amp up the mood. They’re self-help books, really. “Twilight”? Fine. They have it worse off than you, anyways, all that tweenage angst.
You only live once, for 650 years. Stop complaining and grab ahold of the night (and of the necks) (with your fangs).