Dumb criminals are always fun to laugh at – they’re a group of stupid people that we don’t feel bad making fun of because, well, they’re criminals. The following top-notch examples of humankind have committed some of the funniest crimes of the year so far, and deserve recognition, if only for adding a bit of entertainment to our day.
Sources: TrueCrimeReport.com, ClumsyCrooks.com, HuffingtonPost.com, DumbCriminals.com, APNews.MyWay.com, ABC15.com, FoodBeast.com, AZCentral.com, BarStoolSports.com, Blogs.WestWord.com,
In September, Canadian resident Kai Xu was found by border agents at the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel border crossing with more than 50 turtles strapped to his body under his clothes. He was charged with smuggling, and it remains unclear exactly what he wanted to do with 50 turtles.
UPS worker Walter Earl Morrison stole a package in September while unloading a cargo plane by stuffing it under his shirt, thinking it contained cash. It ended up containing a diamond valued at $160,000, though it’s pretty obvious Morrison wasn’t entirely sure what he ended up with – he traded the stone for $20 worth of marijuana. Morrison was charged with felony theft, and, naturally, was fired by UPS.
Being denied drive-thru service because you aren’t in a car is something that has happened to all of us at one point, but we normally take it in stride and find grub elsewhere. Erick Aguilar wasn’t willing to take no for an answer when attempting to grab some food at the Oklahoma City McDonald’s back in September, and car-jacked a woman in line at the drive thru. He chucked the woman out of the car and sped off, crashing several miles away. Aguilar was arrested and charged with robbery, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, and attempting to elude an officer.
Stephen Sandoz and Jonathan Hampton wanted $100 so they could get some booze and drugs before they had to go back to rehab. Sounds reasonable, right? So Hampton called up a woman he knew from a previous rehab stint and told her he was being held at gunpoint by a drug dealer and wouldn’t be released without $100. The woman called the police instead, who arrested Sandoz when he showed up to collect the “ransom.” A good plan, expertly executed.
Most criminals try to avoid conspicuous clothing that would make it easy to identify them, but the ‘Binky Bandit’ has no such worries. A suspected carjacker in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma was seen sucking on a pacifier in a surveillance tape taken near the scene of the crime, leading police to stay on the lookout for a well-overgrown toddler mucking about in a stolen car.
A woman in Denver, Colorado returned home one day to find her home had been broken into through the window, and a portable gaming system and jacket, among other things, had been taken. Later that day, while waiting to meet the police in town, three men walked up to her and attempted to sell her a portable gaming system. Which had recently been removed from her home. Also, one of the men was wearing her jacket. The cops arrived, and the crime was solved. Oops.
Daniel Lee Warn burglarized an El Pollo Loco restaurant in Costa Mesa, California, back in July 2014. Not the most thrilling crime, and not the most profitable. Later that day, he somehow thought it’d be a fine idea to return, without changing his clothes, and attempt to order food. Employees recognized him from the surveillance video which clearly showed him climbing through the drive-thru window and breaking into the cash register, though he failed to come up with any money. The police were called, and Warn was arrested on multiple counts of burglary, as he had hit several other joints earlier that week. Presumably, he didn’t try to grab dinner at those places later.
Simeon Keith Lippert attempted to break out of jail in western Montana through the ductwork, resulting in a lockdown and jail-wide search. At 1:30am, Lippert started to feel some regret, and went on the intercom to tell officers to, “Come get me so the rest of these guys can get some sleep.” Nothing like a bit of true remorse.
Tina Lunn had the audacity to smoke in a non-smoking section, so she was getting slapped with a citation. But rather than own up to her crimes, she decided to give a fake name and birth date – one that had an arrest warrant. Lunn went through the entire booking process with the fake name before officers discovered her real identity – which also had several warrants out for it. Nice one, Lunn.
Brandon Campbell first made headlines when he robbed a home back in November 2013, while wearing an ankle GPS monitor. Shockingly, he was caught. This time around, he tried his hand at burglary once more in March 2014, but forgot about the soda can he left behind. Which was chockfull of his DNA. Which was presumably in the system already from his other brilliant crimes. Also, it’s important to note that Campbell was fitted with the GPS monitor in the first place after being caught for stealing a GPS device. Oh, sweet irony.
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