Sunlight is a foreign phenomenon, and you have decided to make it your enemy. Your cave-like living room stays in a permanent state of twilight, just the way you like it.
But at least the mold fits you just right! So much so that when other people come over, you have to carefully maneuver them into other seats to make sure they don’t mess up your hard work.
Because they’re so used to seeing you immediately upon entering the house, they assume the worst when they don’t see you posted up on the couch. Maybe you should leave a note next time, just to be safe.
You’ll be there the whole time anyway, so what’s the difference? But seriously, when you realize that you don’t even mind an eight-hour window, that’s a serious warning sign.
Even though you haven’t done laundry in recent memory, all of your things are still clean, because you’ve been wearing the same sweats and fuzzy socks for six days.
Seriously, why haven’t they built in better fans for these things yet? Everyone knows that Netflix can only be watched in eight-hour binges, putting our laps in serious danger.
And are able to read the new ones within minutes of being uploaded. Never before has anybody been so well versed in the “Things Squirrels Are Doing These Days.”
Because you obviously haven’t had time to go to the grocery store, and cooking would interrupt your couch-sitting time, ramen has become the go-to in your house. You are a ramen master at this point, and know exactly how much time from when you put the water on to boil to when you’ll have to come dump in the packet of sodium-filled seasoning as the finishing touch.
Because you order delivery so often, you’re all on a first-name basis, and they’ve gotten a bit too comfortable in your place.
There’s no way some four-legged creature is about to get you to do what all of your friends, family, and bosses have failed to do. The dog has become a lot more dexterous when it comes to opening the front door.
