You know how they say glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, because you’ll never really get rid of it? Well, at least comedian and actor Demitri Martin says that. Either way, it’s the same with sand. Prepare your car, home, bed, and general life to never be fully sand-free again.
Bring out all the SPF you have, but for some of us, it won’t matter. We’re still going to head home baked-lobster red, with some seriously creative tan lines.
Kids love the beach as much as anybody, if not more, and they like to show their pleasure by streaking around in the sand which is all good and well, until they stray too close to your towel and kick sand all over your face. And into your picnic lunch. And into the one bottle of water you brought for the whole day. Thanks, kid.
HOLY S*** — WHAT JUST TOUCHED MY FOOT?!
Generally, they’re all 16, and busier flirting with the other lifeguards than actually watching the water. They may also have smoked a joint before work. Also, they’ll refuse to wear rescue gear because it will mess up their tan lines.
Seriously, what’s that about? You need to be soulless, or worse, to not want to feel the magic of squishing sand between your toes.
You’re just trying to enjoy the feeling of the sun on your skin, but make no mistake, more than the seagulls are checking you out. It’s human nature to observe other people, but when everyone’s in a bathing suit, it becomes more of a scene than a harmless activity.
Don’t believe the lies they told you on “Baywatch” — there’s just really no graceful way to do it. You won’t look like Carmen Electra or David Hasselhoff, so don’t even try. Chances are you’re going to stub your toe, fall down, and curse inventively in front of a group of kids. Accept your fate now.
If you have the misfortune to head to the beach on a windy day, you’re better off abandoning your plans and heading to the movies instead. Not only will it blow sand into absolutely everything you have, but you’ll end up cleaning sand out of your ears, bellybutton, and scalp for weeks afterwards. Plus, it’ll feel like you’re being pelted by hail every time you lie down.
Seriously dude, just keep your pants on. Nobody wants to see that.
