Start your work year right and call in sick. No, better yet, call in your car as sick. It depends on your boss — if the engine won’t start in -35 degrees (as it shouldn’t) and those in charge of your soul would rather you walk uphill to the office than stay safely inside, then follow instructions and we’ll put a hex on them for you. Or, just really take that sick day. It’s unhealthy to have your life threatened by merely stepping outside into the world.
You need to get from the door to the car and you’d like all moisture pores on your skin to not turn into crystals. Also, your boss said to get to work ASAP. So. Reach into your closet with your eyes closed and grab the first 15 articles your hands feel. Now stack them up over your work outfit. We’re talking jackets, sweaters, windbreakers… are you waddling yet? Great! Don’t skimp on the headwear either. We recommend at least four hats and caps wrapped tight with three long babushkas. Take a photo of your boss’s reaction when you roll on in.
…of everything in your refrigerator. If it’s a cream base and you don’t have milk, use ice cream. Neutralize the sweetness with some sriracha. Make a breakfast stew: eggs, cheese, potatoes, orange juice, all in the same pot. Don’t call delivery unless you are going to tip them 178 percent of the bill, that’s just mean. Time to finally cook that rump roast you’ve been freezing for so long, maybe it’ll taste great with stewed Pop Tarts? Tip: Have some bread and peanut butter ready on the side in case your culinary experiments go awry.
What? Mulled wine is delicious! Not suggesting your favorite light beer in a bubbly pot, but it might be high time to clean out the liquor cabinet. If you’re in for the next 32 hours, you have plenty of time for Kahlua in the coffee, Bailey’s in the hot cocoa, vodka in the green tea. Check out this great list of hot drinks compiled by the Huffington Post. Warning: this may lead to some moments of goofy creativity, such as…
If your family or friends are six hot whiskeys in, then maybe the -18-degree garage temperature will seem like Tampa to your booze-insulated body. How about a Museum de Snowman where the cars should be parked? Pick an era or a scenario (example: Lewis and Clark discovering the Northern Territories, Rosie the Riveters on the World War II home front) and recreate it best you can. Snowman House of Horrors with scary lights and music? Do it! You’ll have to take turns going outside with the wheelbarrow, but those snow people ain’t melting anytime soon!
A whole-house fort. You haven’t done this in 23 years, but those forts were the high point of your childhood. Start in the foyer and work your way through, floor-by-floor. You’ll need every blanket in the house and every mattress from every bed. Make alternate canals to complete the maze. The living room should just be a giant covered trampoline room. You’re 12 years old again (only difference is that you’re a tipsy 12-year-old), and you’re the mayor of Fort City.
You’ve never had time to watch the entire “Bring it On” collection (there’s five of them!), but here’s your chance. What about the “Golden Girls” boxed set? Oh wait! Every “Olsen Twins” movie you own dubbed in Italian, for the sake of culture?!
Because you might win a Tony for it, eventually. Cabin fever has set in. What about “The Shining,” but as a musical?! With a show-stopping finale called “Here’s Johnny” set to one tambourine, a keyboard, and a dubstep backing? Or how about you do a Greek tragedy like “Antigone,” but read backwards from the last line to the first, in animal masks?
Except make it a zany one that would impress even Zoolander. How about a winter line of household objects (lampshade head wear, hot pad turtlenecks, coffee mug gloves, fruit basket shoes, etc.) to make the dog bark at you? Of course, have your neighbors over to bid on their favorite designer wear.
Recommended 365 days a year, in any weather! Scientists call this mammal phenomenon “huddling,” and its proven that getting close to another saves energy, raises body temperatures, and adds to a general state of well-being. It’ll help keep the winter at bay! (Source: Environmental Resource Center)
