If you’re in a country where tipping is the norm (and it is on YOU to find out if this is the case), you MUST tip your waitstaff. In these countries, wages are laughable and most bartenders’ and servers’ paychecks come exclusively from tips. Meaning that you not tipping is equivalent to them serving you those 11 vodka sodas for free (which believe me, was not on their list of things to do that day). And don’t give me that nonsense about not believing in tipping. It’s not Santa Claus — tip 20 percent like everyone else and you may just receive your drinks without spit.
This is a fairly obvious one: if you’re at the point where your friends have to take care of you, or your friends have gotten so fed up with you that they left, stop drinking. Grab a glass of water and sit quietly in the corner until you sober up. Better yet, know when to stop drinking in the first place — you’re presumably an adult and shouldn’t have to be cut off by the bar staff like a 5-year-old who’s had too much candy. And most importantly, please please head on home before you throw up. There’s only a 30 percent chance you’ll hit the toilet anyway, and we’d rather it be your miss than ours.
This ranges from the person who hits on every single thing that walks by him/her (although let’s face it, it’s usually a him), to the person who sits alone at a table ordering nothing and watching everything from under a brimmed hat (you’re either a stalker or an undercover cop, neither of which are welcome). But since the former is more prevalent, let’s focus on that. Not every girl who comes in wants you to try to chat her up, and they have totally seen you move from table to table in your quest for some action.
It’s a nice gesture once or twice, and you’ll undoubtedly earn everyone’s gratitude and some high fives. But if it’s your way of forcing people to talk to you or, worse, flaunting your wallet, that’s going to show. You’ll come across as desperate and obnoxious, and it ends up working against you in the end. Another important note: including the bartender in the round is most definitely not going to make said round on the house – this was your move and you’re coughing up the dough, my friend.
It’s a busy bar. Surprisingly, the bartender doesn’t have the time to wait in front of you while you hem and haw about what you want, especially since you were the one who called him/her over in the first place. You also might think it’s cute to ask to sample a bunch of things, or to just ask for “something tasty.” It’s not. Know what you want ahead of time, or stop taking up space at the bar until you decide. Also, you’re not buying a car. If it sucks, you’ll have a new drink in hand before long, and you’ll get a buzz either way. Just pick something.
I just can’t. If you or anybody you’re with snaps their fingers to get the attention of a bartender or server, expect it to take six times longer on average for you to get anything you ask for. If you’re not snapping along to “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” by Wham! or training a great Dane, there is no reason for you to snap at all.
I know you’re not supposed to talk about “Fight Club,” and it may be hard to figure out where it is, but it is most definitely not the bar you’re standing in. It’s also not amateur boxing, wrestling, Ultimate Fighting Champion, or a chance to show off that six months of karate you learned when you were 11. Leave the dukes at home, or expect to find yourself sitting on the curb (or in the back of a cop car) before long with an invoice for the damage you just caused. At the very least, take it outside people!
This includes a variety of nonsense that nobody wants to see: way-out-there dancing that knocks drinks over right and left; taking up four bar stools for your jacket; your bags; a footrest; your butt; making out aggressively; and countless other misdemeanors. A good rule of thumb: if it’s been more than 30 seconds since you came up for air, head on home and continue the show there. Same goes for trying to hook up in the bathroom. I can promise you those aren’t cleaned nearly to a standard where anybody should be naked in them, and you aren’t nearly as subtle as you think. Do you really think the five people behind you in line don’t know exactly what’s going on (and are just pissed you’re holding them up)?
It’s not a thrift shop, and if you can afford to drink in a bar (as opposed to brewing your own moonshine in the tub to save money), you don’t need to be stealing. This goes for glassware, silverware, salt and pepper shakers, bottles of hot sauce, and really anything that you didn’t walk in with. Somebody leaving a tip on the bar is not in fact an invitation for you to make a quick $2, and someone else leaving their bag on a chair is not an invitation for you to borrow their cell phone. Believe me, nobody is going to be impressed with the 30th pint glass you’ve snatched from a bar, and you don’t even have room to put it in your cabinets anyway.
“Oh my gosh, the service here is so bad!” Well, expect that it’s about to get a lot worse. “I’ve had such a long day, I totally deserve a free drink.” No, no you don’t. Good things come to those who aren’t so presumptuous, so your friend who’s had to put up with you all night is about to get her drink comped. “The music here sucks/the atmosphere is lame/there aren’t any hot people here!” There’s the door, folks. Pretty sure you aren’t being tied down and forced to endure sitting on your ass and being served drinks. Also, sidebar: bartenders are not therapists. We don’t need to hear about all of the trials and tribulations of your job, how rough your divorce has been, or the disgusting fungus that has started to grow on your toenail. You aren’t tipping nearly enough for that.
