Let’s be real: it’s awesome to be tall. You can see better at concerts and movies, you can reach things on the top shelf, and you have more space to distribute weight (meaning you get to eat more without it showing…at least not right away). But while there are countless ways being tall rocks, there are plenty of others that seriously blow that our shorter counterparts might not realize we struggle with. Read on so us giants of the world can commiserate with one another, and all you shorties can learn a thing or two about life on the other side of the tape measure.
Have you ever notice that older houses tend to be scaled much tinier than newer ones? Maybe the human race has grown larger on average, but these homes have lower toilets and sinks, smaller doorways, and cabinets so low it’s an effort not to herniate a disc every time you go to get a pot or pan. Not to mention low-hanging lights or ornaments — I know it’s the holiday season but did you really need to turn your tinsel into a hanging glittery death trap for anyone taller than 5′ 11″?
You know those seats were not designed for anybody bigger than hobbit-sized, and it’s just a straight joke if you’re stuck in the middle. Where do you put your elbows, let alone your knees? And let’s not even get started on when the tiny woman in front of you decides to put her seat back. Do you know how dangerous it is to aggravate somebody twice your size while traveling in a flying tin can 20,000 feet above the ground?
Look, it’s not that we don’t want to listen. We just can’t hear a damn word you’re saying. I don’t know if sound waves travel down or something like that, but you’re definitely not helping matters by slurring your words after your fourth gin and tonic. Just do us all a favor and email us about it later, OK?
No, we can’t just up and decide to go to a formal event without stopping home first. First of all, there’s a zero percent chance any of your shirts or pants will be long enough to be even halfway decent (this especially applies to tall women and dresses). But moreover, what makes you think the laws of physics will squeeze our feet into your size eights? Not going to happen, friends. And on that note…
Do you know how many stores carry shoes in a size 15? None, that’s how many. We’re forever having to buy shoes online, meaning the simple chore of replacing a pair becomes a month-long process of ordering, returning because they don’t fit right, reordering, returning because they’re hideous in real life, and finally settling on just getting the exact shoe you had before. Rinse and repeat as needed, or every five months, because your defunct feet inevitably wear shoes out unevenly.
Because everyone can see! There’s no blending in with the crowd that you’re standing head and shoulders above, meaning that your awkward bobs and uncoordinated snapping are on display for the whole room. The little ones can bop around unnoticed, but everyone will notice you faking the words to Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” — although you know you should really know the lyrics by now. Everyone else does.
If it’s a formal shot (school pictures, weddings, etc.), the photographer will undoubtedly single you out for your inconvenient height and make you stand alone in the back. Or suggest some hideously embarrassing shot where you’re sitting in a chair surrounded by family members like some creepy Santa Claus. But even in informal settings, you’re forever bound to do the awkward crouch or resign yourself to having your forehead chopped off in every shot.
Yes, falling sucks for just about everyone. But there’s a reason that babies can bounce back up as quickly as they do: it’s just not that far to go. Meaning the opposite is true for tall people, and tripping from 6′ 5″ is going to cause a lot more pain and suffering, not to mention embarrassment. Big trees fall hard, indeed.
Do you play basketball? Volleyball? Are you a model? Is it hard to find people to date? Are you ever afraid you’re going to step on small dogs and squash them? Did you know that tall people live shorter lives on average? Stop it. Just stop it.
Just saying, a description of somebody who’s 6′ 6″ is going to narrow the field a lot quicker than one that reads “average height.” Just another bad luck of the draw.