The necessary financials
Why on earth do you need to make 40 times the rent in order to qualify? Is the management planning on raising the rent 900 percent in the first year? Do they want to make sure that you have something worth stealing after you move in? It’s unnecessary and discriminatory, and makes it really really hard for a 20-something to pretend they’re independent when they have to ask their parents to be guarantors.
The creepy Craigslist finds
Like the guy who offers free rent in exchange for “light household duties,” but expects you to share a bed. Or the one who answers the door in his underwear and asks if you want to see the living room. Which is in the basement. For every normal person out there, there are 100 weirdos who would sooner make meth in their bathtubs than let you shower in them.
Euphemistic language
Apartment hunting is one reminder that when something sounds too good to be true, it almost always is. Therefore, when something is described as “cozy,” it means your bedroom is the size of a small prison cell. And the “quirky” apartment leaks every time it rains and has more vermin than a petting zoo for rats.
Running around town to see seven places in three hours
Since you probably won’t get that apartment anyway, you’ve booked a half dozen appointments in your one Sunday afternoon off from work. And of course, they are all miles away from each other with no direct transportation between. So of course, you end up getting lost in your own city, because you’ve never been to half of those neighborhoods in your life.
Having your whole life judged in five minutes
Applying for an apartment is like a first date and job interview all rolled into one. You need to impress the landlord/potential roommates with your ability to pay, your cleanliness and respectfulness, and, of course, your appearance of sanity. But since they’re seeing 20 people after you/at the same time, you need to do this in under five minutes and make a lasting impression. Good luck.
The amount of money you spend just for the right to apply somewhere
Forget the rent itself – that’s the easy part. Don’t forget to tack on brokers’ fees, application fees, credit checks, background checks, and the $20 you had to spend on beer to bribe your former roommate to get a good recommendation. Not to mention the cab money you’ll spend running between the aforementioned seven places, because you booked all of your widespread appointments half an hour apart.
Finding out the apartment was taken while you’re en route to see it
Maybe the landlord has the good grace to call you, but you’re already halfway there. And maybe they don’t say anything, but let you know once you arrive (or just don’t answer the door). Either way, you spent an hour getting there, and have nothing to show for it but an increasing desperation and the urge to kick in the door and demand a place to live.
Misleading neighborhood descriptions
“Up and coming” is the worst, meaning the neighborhood is still full of crack dealers and prostitutes, but young professionals have begun to be forced to live there because they’ve been priced out of everywhere else. But also annoying is flat-out lying about where something is located – for instance, 200th Street in New York City usually isn’t considered the Upper West Side, and Brooklyn doesn’t count as the Lower East Side – it’s across an entire river.
The fact that everyone and their mother applied for the same place
You weren’t the only one to see that ad on Craigslist, so prepare to duke it out with the other 75 applicants who probably earn more than you, can bake the best cookies short of Mrs. Fields, and can add the world’s largest TV to the communal living room. The best is when you all show up to see a place at once. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: good luck.
The knowledge that you now have to move your furniture up that fifth floor walk-up
Once you actually find a place, you realize what awaits you. The fun just never stops.
