Weddings are a joyous occasion. Two people promise to love one another for the rest of their lives in front of family and friends, and all that good stuff. But while there’s usually tons of good food, there’s also plenty of factors in a wedding that can make you wish you sent an e-card rather than showing up. Here are the 10 worst things about weddings. Have fun at the next one!
Drunk relatives
It’s funny to watch drunk Uncle Larry bust a move on the dance floor, but it’s less funny when he corners you by the bar and cops a feel. And does that thing where he stands far too close to your face and breathes whisky breath all over you.
The music variety – or lack thereof
Basically every wedding has a few classics that you’ll hear over and over again, with little variety – unless you’re very lucky, or at the wedding of a very cool DJing couple. Prepare yourself to hear Sister Sledge’s “We Are Family” and Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” ad nauseam until wedding season is over.
Speech, after speech, after speech
Those adorable speeches from the bride and groom’s family and friends can be cute, but normally they go on for hours and are riddled with inside jokes that you are most definitely on the outside of. Chuckle along politely with the rest of the guests and count down the minutes until they cut the cake.
Waiting for pictures
Also known as how-long-can-you-last-before-you-start-gnawing-on-your-date’s-arm? Wedding pictures take ages. While the photographer tries to get the wedding party to pose in every grouping imaginable, the guests are left cooling their heels during cocktail hour and trying to down as many mini quiches as possible to fill the gaping hole in their stomachs.
The date dilemma
Ah, the dreaded plus one. Do you ask a friend who you’re guaranteed to have a good time with? Or do you ask somebody you’ve only gone out with a couple times, and run the risk of having them read too much into it? And if you’re the plus one, do you have to chip in for the present? Who do you talk to if your date is in the wedding party? Ugh, nightmare.
The gift registry
You really want me to spend $200 on a new salad bowl? Otherwise, you’ll end up looking for the cheapest thing left on the registry, and be labeled as “That Cheap Guy” for the rest of your days. Whatever happened to a nice card?
Cost
Beyond the gift, you’ve also got to pay for getting to the wedding (and God forbid they want a destination wedding), accommodation, new dresses/suits if the event is black tie, etc. And if you’re in the bridal or groom party, you’re truly screwed, since you’ll be footing the bill for the bridal shower, bachelor party, and more. You thought you were saving for retirement? No, no, friends – you’re saving for all of your friends’ weddings.
The bouquet
If you catch the bouquet, everybody is going to look at you and make jokes about how you’re next. If you’re date catches it, same goes. If you don’t catch it, you have to pretend you didn’t want it anyway. And if you participate at all, you always run the risk of being rugby-tackled by some over-enthusiastic guest who’s been in the same relationship for five years with no ring in sight and is looking for any help they can get.
The cheesy choreographed dance that you’re supposed to pretend is oh-so-original
So the bridal party decided to enter the room to Bruno Mars’s “Marry You?” Or the father-daughter dance breaks down into MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” It’s obviously been done before, but you need to cheer and take pictures as though it’s the Mona Lisa being unveiled for the first time.
But in the end, there’s really only two words that matter: Open. Bar.