Want to know if there are sharks in the water? Fancy a discreet way to sneak wine past the lifeguards? Like to know a less chemical-filled option for suntan lotion? Here’s 10 tongue-in-cheek things to do at the beach this summer. Happy summer!!
If you’re nervous about going into shark-infested waters, don’t fret. There’s an easy way to tell immediately before heading out into the salty waves and I’m not talking about homemade chum. Here’s an artsy suggestion: it’s been suggested that sharks mistake paddling surfers on their boards for seals. So paint your surfboard accordingly! Give it some webbed feet, a snout, make sure there’s nice long whiskers shooting out from its head. Set it out to float for a few minutes without you. If it disappears under the surface suddenly, don’t swim in that area.
If you bring strawberries and spoons to the beach in the cooler, why not bring yogurt too? If you’re sunbathing responsibly and protecting your skin but hate slathering on chemical-filled sunblock, then yogurt serves multiple purposes on this beach excursion! Additional benefits besides a natural thick layer of sun protection that won’t wash off in the water (not talking Yoplait here; get the thick, original Greek stuff) is smelling like old cheese after a few hours in the heat. Get “cultured”!
Many public beaches in America are alcohol-free. Boring!! You know what isn’t boring? A Super Soaker shootout with booze! If you get these plastic playthings past beach security; be sure they’re filled up with your favorite forbidden clear drink. Aim and shoot into your friend’s mouth! The ironic thing here is that the one who’s better at aiming benefits less. Or forget the beach and practice at home!
Once you’re covered in yogurt and waiting for a tan to set in before getting in the water, pull out a paperback or your Kindle. We recommend the classic “Jaws,” or “The Beast” by Peter Benchley, which will inform you of the diverse flora and fauna you’ll be sharing the water with. Or, before heading out for a little boat ride, read Sebastian Junger’s “The Perfect Storm” to get you excited.
If you’ve learned anything from “Spaceballs,” its that there’s no comb too big to run through the sand. Imagine the riches you’ll uncover as you drag this mega-comb through every beachgoer’s encampment.
Here’s how you can get on the 5 o’clock news (in a benign way). Go to the beach the night before and dig the deepest hole you can imagine in the sand. When the beach goers start to flock in, emerge from the hole dressed as an emperor from the Chinese Qin dynasty. People will be shocked and impressed, automatically assuming you’ve been digging for centuries. They’ll give you some of their beer and hot dogs to calm you down before CNN arrives. Digging from China!
Because they never get old. Best to surface and drag yourselves out of the water at different locations of the beach, screaming “Land, Ho! Aaarrgghh!” People will be startled at first.
Find your blondest, Pamela Anderson-esque friend, your most dashingly built David Hasselhoff lookalike buddy, dress them up in red and make sure their hair is perfectly blowdried. Wait until you see something happening in the water, like kids horse-playing or someone sliding off a raft. Then blow the whistle, blast the “Baywatch” theme and run in slow motion towards the “victims.” Who needs real lifeguards anyway?
Because even though Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello may seem outdated to most generations today, there’s been no (semi-clean) dancing fun on the beach since the ’60s. Watch this Youtube link for a dance instructional. “Bingo!!”
The French call it “bain de minuit”…the midnight bath, aka skinny dipping. Groups of naked folks are streaking into the water, excited by being so taboo. Show them how it’s done. Have your entourage dress warmly in parkas, snow pants, Uggs, scarves, gloves, ear warmers…and join the sultry masses in the water. Make out with each other through your snowmobile goggles and snowboarding face masks. Show them that skinny dipping naked is soooo out of date.
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