You wake up most mornings with new cuts and bruises from walking into walls, chairs, and that weird metal rod that was in your apartment when you first moved in and you just never bothered to throw out (who knows – it could come in handy one day!). Not to mention the fact that you once fell in the toilet and the electrical outlet in the kitchen likes to supply a small shock every time you plug in the toaster. Dropping a child into your home would be equivalent to suiting it up and flying it off to war.
You have to water it every day. You have to make sure it gets enough sun, but not too much sun. You have to trim the offshoots to make sure it continues to grow. But not trim too much. You have to change the dirt (is that actually a thing?). The responsibilities are so enormous that you break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. And don’t even think about a dog — you’ll drop into a dead faint at any moment.
Last-minute tickets to Vegas? Absolutely. A crazy fling that whisks you away for the evening to a romantic dinner? Sign you up! You love to let things happen on the fly, and are always up for an unplanned adventure. But remember that baby-sitters don’t appear at the drop of a hat. And little Danny will probably start to wonder where Mommy is when she buys that one-way ticket to New Zealand because there was a deal.
Poop jokes are hilarious, farting always makes for a good laugh, and that time your friend peed the bed drunk remains one of your favorite memories of college. But when you’re dealing with it on a consistent basis, and that poop, fart, and pee is now all over you instead of in the hypothetical, it becomes a whole lot less funny. Preserve the moment and your ever-so-mature sense of humor for as long as you can.
Children’s imaginations are incredible things, but yours tends to run to the more mundane — i.e. lying to yourself that you cleaned the kitchen, shopped for food, and have money in your bank account. The most creative you ever become is when you’re lying to the waiter about why there absolutely can’t be any cilantro on your dish because you’re deathly allergic, when in fact you just think it tastes like soap.
Got some extra cash? You can be sure that you’re heading directly to your favorite watering hole to drink up and chow down with your friends. And you know that every time you feel flush, you start buying shots for the whole house. And while you know that at some point, you’re supposed to be saving that expendable income for the undetermined future, that time most definitely is not now. Or on the other hand…
After rent, food, gas money, and your electric bill, there is barely enough left in your account to buy a birthday present for your mom, let alone to start saving for somebody else’s college dreams. When buying the extra-ply toilet paper seems like a luxury, it’s not the best idea to tack on diapers, formula, baby food, and stroller gear to your list.
Those aforementioned babysitters that don’t appear out of thin air? They also cost money when they do show up. So your 10-hour bender just cost you $100, on top of the $100 you already spent on the evening. Save parenthood for when you think a great night out ends at 10 p.m. and hasn’t involved seven shots of dubious tequila.
Your alone time is precious, and you like nothing better than staying in bed to watch TV with no pants on on your day off. So when you start to feel resentful of the man you called to come bring deliciously prepared food to your front door, think about how you’ll feel when instead, that free time is replaced by a screaming kid who wants you to wipe his butt, and will promptly spit up on your shirt as a thank you.
Seriously, they’re just always sticky. What is that about? Is it food? Is it sweat? Is it snot? Just…why?
